New Year

So it is a new year. Much happened this past year. I got to spend good time with my family, I meet my best friend, Mavanie, and had amazing experiences with her, I started going to a singles branch that I love, I got a new niece, who is so cute, I quit my job and started spending more time on my photography, I worked a lot on my photography and had a blast with it, I'm still in school, which in someways isn't the greatest, but hey, I'll finish eventually, and last, but not least, I learned a great deal about myself. I'm going to have to say that all in all, it's been a really great year. I made a lot of mistakes, but I learned much from those mistakes.

Now, for this year, I've decided I need to step it up a notch. Big number one would be .... be positive. Not start second guessing things before I even start and think positively instead. Work on the whole dating thing .... not quite sure how I'm going to do that just yet, but I'll work on it. Keep working on my photography and keep pushing myself to do better and be better. And hopefully start working at a studio. I'm going to try some more new things, starting with scuba diving. Yep, that's what I said. SCUBA DIVING!!! I don't even technically know how to swim, but I'm going to try it anyway. I'm pretty much scared to death, but I'm going to give it a shot. I'll get back to you on how it goes... I want to try softball. I've never played before, but I want to and we'll see if I can pull it off. I'm going to run another 5k and hopefully do better this time(no numbness this time around). We'll see what other things I come up with to try. Maybe I'll even be able to convince Mav to teach me how to horse ride better... I'm going to finished editing my book and send it to some more publishers. I want to spend more time reading. And maybe I'll trying learning a new musical instrument.

I think that is a good start for a new year. Some new things and improving on some old things. So wish me luck and I'm going to keep smiling. :)

Fall Break!

Today was the beginning of fall break. It is the first fall break since I started college that I haven't had homework to get done. Can you say - YAY!!! But then I go and give myself homework ... sort of. I decided to do some photo shoots over the break, but I wouldn't call that homework. It's what I do!! Photography is what I love! Hence, I have no problem taking pictures over the entire fall break!

Realization

So, I came to a realization late last night/early this morning... I am my own worst enemy. Well, I knew that I along time ago, but I realized something else about it. Because of the personality I have and the way my mind thinks, I am always going to perceive things differently than most other people. I can use that to my advantage or I can let it hinder me and make things difficult. So, I've decided that I'm not going to let it be a disadvantage, but an advantage. I can't change the way my mind works or processes things, but I can change what I do with my thoughts. I've given myself a challenge, and it probably won't make a difference to anyone else, but I'll know the challenge and I'll know if I'm passing or not. Because I've decided there are some things that I can't change, but I can still decide how I'm going to react to the thing/problem. I can't change that I suffer from severe depression and that I have to be on medication to keep from doing and thinking things that I shouldn't. But I can choose to accept that this is just one of the trials I have to face and I need to do my best to overcome the trial. I've come a long way since I first found out that I had severe depression and I've made a lot of changes in my life to combat it. There are days that I do better than others, but my new challenge for myself is to be okay with the fact that this is something I have and I'm not going to let it control my life. I stopped letting it a long time ago, but I've resolved not to revert occasionally back to it either. It never fixes anything and I always end up hurting myself and those that I love the most.
With the help of my Savior, I've learned that He will always be there to help me if I stop being so stubborn and ask for His help. He's waiting to help me, but I have to be humble and ask first. I also have a wonderful family that loves me for who I am and don't think of me any different because of the challenges I have. I have friends who forgive me when I make mistakes and love me in spite of my stupidity. I can live and be who I want to be. Only I choose who and am and how I feel about myself. And I'm going to choose to be who I want to be and live life one day at a time and try my best. That's all anyone asks of me and I need to remember that. My head may think that they are expecting something else, but I need to remember that it's all in my head and the people who love me just want me to try my best and that's enough for them. And that's good enough for me to want to keep going and trying.

Another day as a college student...

At the request of my brother (yes, Andrew, you) I'm going to update my blog. I've been horrible at keeping this up to date.

So I'm in the middle of another semester... And as much as I'd like to say everything is going great and everything is fun... I'd be lying. So far this semester has been filled with some really awesome experiences and some not so nice ones. Hey, isn't that what life is?!?!
You go through life and you plan things. You think, if I do this, then this (hopefully) will be the outcome. Well, not when it comes to my life... I plan and plan and everything goes 180 and is completely different than what I had hoped for. I've had disappointments that were my fault and then some where out of my control, but either way, it's disappointment and that is never easy.
However, without opposition, growth can't happen. Even though the last couple of months have been hard, I have grown and I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to do my best each day and try to rely on my Savior for guidance and help.

On the other side, I've had so much fun with new friends and being in my photography classes! Since I met Mavanie and started going down to the Singles Branch in Nephi I've met a ton of new people and made more friends in a couple months than I have in several years. Thanks to Mav, I've been able to step outside of my comfort zone and socialize more. I had so much fun this summer and did some new things that I didn't think I'd ever get the opportunity to do.
Now that school has started, I've moved over to Orem and I'm living with Mavanie and Candace. It's been so much fun!! Being an 'official' roommate with Mavanie has been awesome! But being her friend is even better. It's nice to just get to sit and talk with Mav and not worry about everything that's weighing on my mind. Mav always knows what to say to help lift my spirits and help me take the next day a step at a time. I just need to remember not to take my frustrations out on her because I'm living with her and she's right there... She deserves better and I should do better. Mavanie is the friend I've always wanted and needed. She has helped me in more ways than I can say and I've grown so much since I've had her there to help me. Just knowing that I have a best friend that is looking out for me, has helped me expand and try harder. And even with all the hard days and the days where things don't go as planned, the good times I have with family and friends makes each day worth it.
Say hello to life and what it brings! One day at a time and one bump at a time. I'll get over each one of them if I just keep trying and working hard. That is one thing I know how to do ... work hard.

New York City!!

The crowd going to the St Patrick's Day parade. We gave up trying to see the parade... We could hear it though!

This is where our bus dropped us off when we went to go see a photographer at his studio. It was out in the middle of no where!! I didn't even know New York had a place that looked like this. If you don't think it was crazy, I'm telling you!

Kelli and myself with the Blue M&M. :)

One of the entrances to the Museum of Modern Art

The Metropolitan Museum of Art

View of the Statue of Liberty from the ferry

Construction going on at Ground Zero

Empire State Building on St. Patrick's Day

Me with this beautiful Lady

View of the coast from Liberty Island

View of the city from the top of the Empire State Building

Times Square at night

Times Square during the day :)

I went and saw the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and all I can say is AMAZING!!!!

This is what all the bars and pubs looked like on St Patrick's Day.

Central Park

New York

So I just realized that I haven't posted pictures from my New York trip yet. My bad... Pictures to come soon. Promise!

Teaching...

So, I've taught Primary since the day I graduated High School. Yep, five long years; save the six months that I lived in Provo, for which I was the ward pianist. When I started going to the Singles Branch down in Nephi, I naturally figured that they wouldn't give me a calling since I lived in Payson and just commuted to church each Sunday. After a lovely adventure of getting my records transferred down to the branch I was told my the Branch President, Pres. Bateman, that they had TWO callings in mind for me and that they would let me know which one they decided was right for me.

In the mean time, I've been the ward pianist again, without being called, because the girl that was playing moved and I was asked to 'fill in'. I'm still playing without being officially called. But it's not too bad and it gives me an excuse to practice a little bit more.

Now, to the point of the story. On Mother's Day I was asked to substitute in Relief Society. I'd never taught anything other than Primary so you can imagine that I was super nervous to say the least. I made sure that I was way over prepared and when it was all said and done, I felt like I did an okay job. The sisters in the Relief Society said that I did, so I'll take their word for it. Once class was over, President Bateman came up to me and asked to see me in his office. I, of course, already knew that he was going to issue me a call, but as I walked into his room, I silently prayed to myself that it wouldn't be a teaching position. I figured that my calling was going to be ward pianist since that was what I'd been doing for two months.
So we sat down in his office and President Bateman turned to me and said that they wanted to call me as a Relief Society instructor!!! Horror!! I just knew it! I'm going to be known as the worst relief society teacher ever! So after I sat there for a minute and thought it through, I of course agreed to accept the calling. I couldn't tell President Bateman no even if I wanted to...

Now, even after five years of teaching Primary, it obviously hasn't become apparent that I'm just not a teacher... But then if you listen to Mavanie, I must be a good teacher if that's what I keep getting called to do. I don't know if I agree with her or not, but I'm certainly going to try and do my best.

Now I just need to get over my bad case of nerves when I have to talk in front of people...

More of Connor!

Playing with Dad and his balloon.

He had to touch. :)

That was good frosting!

Sitting with Mom and my Newsies hat.

Spring Semester

This semester has been cram packed with things. Going to school full time is a blast and I'm loving every minute of. A lot of things have been changing in my life and I've had to make a few decisions about things.
I'm loving all of my photography classes and I'm learning tons. I've even purchased myself a new digital camera to accommodate the new skills and techniques that I've been learning. My two art history classes are pretty intense, but my professor is AMAZING and I get to be her TA, which worked out since I quit my other job so I could go to school full time. Sculpture class is kind of kicking my butt, and I know for sure that I'm not a sculptor... but I'm broadening my horizons so that is good.
I've also made some new friends this semester! One in particular has had a definite impact on my life. Mavanie is an amazing person and I haven't met anyone quite like her. She is always so happy and always makes my day. She is also a fellow photographer so we have that in common among many other things. Mav has helped me get out and socialize more and meet more people. I've become friends with her roommates too which makes hanging out at her apartment a lot of fun. She's also convinced me to leave me home ward and attend a singles branch down in Nephi with her. I've only gone once so far, but it was really nice and I was ready for a change. Teaching Primary for five years will wear on any single person. Not that I didn't love my Primary kids.
I also have the opportunity to go to New York with the Art department at school. We are going for the whole week of Spring Break. I am so excited! I've never been to New York and I've always wanted to go. We get to go to several of the major museums and visit several local artists. Then we get a day where we just get to go play. Expect MASSIVE amounts of pictures to come!!! I don't really know any of the other students that are going, but I'm not going to let that hinder me having a great time. Courtney (my art history professor) is going as one of the professors, so that will make it a lot of fun too. She'll be able to talk to us about all the art we're going to be looking at.
Anyway, life is good. I'm super busy all the time, but I'm loving it. I've also started submitting some of my photography to art shows and galleries. I'm even having one displayed starting on Monday in a cafe in Provo with some fellow students.
Say hello to spring time and sunshine ... hopefully. =)

Thinking alike

Today, I went to visit my friend, Holli, and give her a Christmas present. I'm a photographer, so of course her gift was a picture. Now, when I handed her the picture she chuckled and said something about us thinking alike. I wasn't sure what she was up to, but she went to retrieve her present to me. And guess what it was?! A picture frame! She knows that I take hundreds of pictures, but I do not frame many of them. We laughed at how we thought alike when it came to the other person and it pretty much made my day that we know each other well enough to feel that way. I have never had a friend quite like Holli, and this past semester has brought many new things for the both of us. There have been good times and rough times, but sitting chatting with her today I knew without a doubt that I still could count on her just as much as I ever have. Sometimes it just takes a round-a-bout way from what we've done before.
So, I'm just going to say how grateful I am for the friends I have and all that they do for me. I not only have Holli, but I also have sweet Camille. Camille, who is an angel on earth, has been there for me more times than I can count. There isn't anything that I can't work through once I've talked to Camille about it. She always listens and helps me understand the 'whys' of life. Life isn't as bad as it seems sometimes and family and friends make life so much more bearable.

Life and it's curve balls...

Don't you just love life when you're going along, thinking everything is fine and dandy and then it throws you for a curve ball and you have no idea how you got there or what to do about it...
It just so happens that I received one just last week. I had been going along this past semester, enjoying school and new friends. One friend, in particular, I felt that we were developing a great friendship and that it was coming right along. I felt like 'they' were encouraging the friendship and how we treated one another and were enjoying being friends as much as I was.
During the week leading up to finals everything was a little stressful and both my friend and I were spending many hours on campus. It also just so happened that the classrooms I was in were also the classrooms that they were often in. I will admit though there were several times when I ventured to be around this friend. I got the impression that they didn't mind having me around and I enjoyed watching them work on their school projects. It was my impression that I could learn from them by watching them work.
So now to the curve ball. The week of finals I didn't see or hear from this friend. I knew they were busy with finals so I just wished them luck through a text and figured that I would talk to them after finals were said and done. Well, one night I was sitting on Facebook and this friend started chatting with me. They said that there was something they wanted to talk to me about. I figured they wanted to do something after finals or they needed my help with something. Boy, was I ever wrong!!
They told me that I was invading their space and that I was suffocating them. That the friendship had progress way too fast for them and that it made them uncomfortable. I totally was blown away and had no idea this was how they had been feeling. I, of course, felt terrible that this was how they felt about our friendship, because that was not the vibe or impression I had been getting from them the whole semester. I wasn't sure what to say, so I apologized that things had made them uncomfortable and that I would try and give them all the space they needed. Since then we have not interacted.
Now, I'm still pretty much at a lose at what happened. Maybe I'm just a moron and totally misread everything. Or maybe everything was fine and one day I did something that they didn't like. I will easily admit that I did act like their shadow on occasion, but only after they told me that they enjoyed hanging out for the whole day. And maybe that meant JUST for that day and none afterwards, so I suppose that could be my fault, but I'm still confused at WHEN things went wrong... Did things go wrong at the beginning, the middle, or at the end? I honestly felt that during the semester, they were furthering the friendship as much as I was. So, what happened? Were they just enduring the whole semester and hating every minute of it and just faking it for my sake because I was lonely and needed a friend, or is there more to the story? I don't know and it kind of is stressing me out. I never intended to make things bad in the friendship but maybe I did without even knowing it. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention to all the signs or maybe I, simply, just messed up. I don't know. I know my social skills are not that great, but I didn't think that they were THAT horrible...
So, I do not know what is in store for this friendship. I do hope that things can be fixed and it goes right this time. But, I honestly, don't know how I should act the next time we meet. I don't want to suffocate them again, but I don't want to keep too much distance that they don't think I want to be friends anymore. So, it's easy to say, well do the middle then, but I'm not sure what the middle is when it comes to us.

So, there is my curve ball. Probably sounds like nothing to anyone else. I, however, have never liked being on any one's bad side or cause waves for anyone. So when I feel like I have, then there is a problem. It is my problem, this is true. And since I haven't talked it out with anyone I needed to get it off my chest... I fear only time will provide an answer and I worry what that answer might be.

The End of Summer

This summer has gone by so fast and I don't feel like I've accomplished much. Then I stop and think - well I survived a motorcycle accident, had knee surgery, still have my job as my employer's company is falling apart, sent my little brother off on his mission to the Ivory Coast, had good times with my best friend, Holli, and get to enjoy as much time with my family as I want. So even though it wasn't the summer I had completely planned on, it still was a summer where I learned and grew. I think that's a good thing.
Now school is starting once again and I think I'm ready for some more adventures. I know a few of them are going to be a bit harder than others, but I'm hoping that I'm ready to take on whatever comes my way. Life is just one day at a time and doing our best each day. So here's to doing my best and hoping that things will work out for the best. I just have to be patient and accept the plan that the Lord has in store for me.

Connor!

So I haven't uploaded any pictures of Connor lately, and I actually had a few moments to spare to do it (a miracle I know) so enjoy!

Photo time!

Okay, so I'm finally getting around to posting these. (Sorry it's taken me so long, Dix!) Anyway, since I have a stack of pictures over an inch thick, I just chose a few that I liked the best.

First two were for my 'fortune' assignment. We had to take a fortune cookie fortune and turn it into pictures. It was actually quite fun. My fortune was 'Now is a good time to take care of old business'. Can you figure out why I took these pictures?

Next is my 'memory' assignment. The first picture is probably my favorite out of most of my pictures. Even though it was a little tricky to do, I had a ton of fun. And the second picture is supposed to look like it does. It's been vignetted so that's why the edges are dark. (Just in case you were wondering.)

These ones were for my 'portrait' assignment. This was my second favorite assignment to do, but I'm pretty sure it was because of who I was shooting. This beautiful girl is my best friend Holli. She was great and spent the whole day with me taking pictures. I think we were laughing 90% of the time which made it even better.

Lastly, these were from my 'Urban Streets' assignment.

Enjoy!!

Christmas spirit!

I love the giving feeling this time of year. Which makes sense because I love giving and doing things for other people. Christmas just gives me an excuse to do it. Then I don't have to think up a logical reason I'm doing something for something other than I just want too.
So, tonight I was off on another one of my secret deliveries. And since it snowed all day today, I had to be extra sneaky. Besides the fact that snow loves to leave your tracks, everything was frozen so walking on the sidewalk and what not was like stomping on glass making it clear to practically everyone that I was around. But, I've had plenty of practice, so I just improvised the delivery and get away.
Now my secret delivery really wasn't a Christmas gift or anything. Just a little note for a friend that I felt like could use a little love. So with my little gift and note in hand, I set off to make my drop off. My friend's house is in the middle of the block and they have a very good view of the street both ways. So, I parked my car around the corner and made my way back to her home. And I'm pretty sure thanks to all the ice that plenty of people could probably hear me. Wising up a little, I started stepping in the piles of snow that people had made from shoveling they're walks that it muffled my steps somewhat. I just got really cold and wet instead, but I DIDN'T CARE. I was having too much fun!
I finally reached my destination and set down my gift. I took a deep breath, rang the door bell, and BOLTED off the front porch, around the side of the house, and waited... (I didn't want to make footprints in the snow that would give me away so I figured that I'd wait until they'd closed the door and retreated back into the house before making my way away from the house.) The porch light came on and the front door opened. My friend's little brother shouts back into the house, "Nobody is here! Hey, they left something!" I tried very hard not to laugh. Anyway, I hear him pick up the gift and take it into the house. Once the door is closed and I'm certain that they're not waiting to see me come out of hiding, I headed back to my car. I wasn't running too fast because I didn't want to slip and break my neck, but I didn't get caught. It was great! *Sigh* All in a days work.

Humility

You'd think by now that I would have learned to just be humble when it comes to challenges. Yet, I'm still stubborn and try to solve the problem on my own. Well, a month had passed I still had not conquered the trial so to speak. So, I finally decided that I would stop being so stubborn and ask for some help from my Father in Heaven. And guess what? I got my answer the very next day. And it was just what I needed to conquer my trail. Once again, I have seen the power of prayer and that the Lord is aware of me and my troubles. It's a good feeling and also a reminder that I needed.

7 Random Things About Me

The rules are: Link to the person that tagged you, (Dixie) and post the rules on your blog. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself. Tag 7 random people at the end of your blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I smile practically all the time; whether I'm happy or not. So if I'm ever feeling down people usually can never tell because I smile to hide it.

2. If I'm frustrated or way stressed out, I grit my teeth; which usually gives me a headache after a while.

3. I like sitting and watching people (in a non-creepy way). You'd be surprised what you learn.

4. I over think just about everything. Even if there is a simple answer, I still think it over way too much.

5. I don't like asking people for help or for favors. I always feel like I would be bothering them and I don't want them to be mad at me for bothering them. I hash over it in my brain for like forever before I decide to ask or not.

6. My jeans have to be long enough to cover my socks and reach my shoes when I sit down. It bugs me if they don't.

7. I have a habit of only using one earphone when I listen to music or whatever. And it's usually in my right ear.


I tag: Cherilee and Andrew

Going over old thoughts...

A couple of weeks ago I was working on one of my photography assignments which happened to be 'memory'. Now you'd think that when you take memory pictures that you take pictures of whatever that memory was. If you have a memory of playing basketball in the park, you take pictures of a basketball or a basketball court. However, this wasn't what my professor had in mind. She wanted us to think outside the box. So the assignment was to take pictures of the feelings and thoughts that we have in association with that memory. Why do we remember it? So after two hours of talking with my professor (it was an awesome chat by the way) we decided to do the memories I have of the years that I was suffering from severe depression. And after talking, my professor told me to really think about what I was thinking and feeling during those years and to bring her back pictures that would illustrate what I was feeling.
So when I finally found a minute to sit down and think, it was an interesting sensation pondering about everything I experienced. It really made me stop and realize how far I've actually come. That I actually can look in the mirror and be happy with who I am and with what I'm doing with my life. Not too long ago it was a very different story. Thinking back on all the things I felt and thought about made me so grateful that I'm not still struggling like I was at that time. It reminded me that I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and that I can do what the Lord calls upon me to do with His help. And I also have help from my amazing family and friends! Thanks everybody!

BYU Homecoming

My dear younger brother set me up on a blind date for BYU's homecoming last night. So he and my friend Holli doubled up with myself and my blind date, Chance. And I have to say that it actually went pretty well, better than I thought it was going to. Chance was very nice and pretty funny, but he did have a habit of disappearing for a little while before returning. He'd be there one minute and then I'd turn around and he'd be gone talking to someone else or what not. I couldn't totally be mad though, he is a pretty popular kid and he was trying to help out with stuff. So overall I'd have to say that I had a fun time and that it was fun doing a double date with Andrew and Holli.
We ate at the Olive Garden, which was excellent. Afterwards, we drove up to Heber and the dance was on the Heber Creeper. That's a train if you didn't know. Yeah, I was kind of wondering how dancing would go over on a train too, but it actually was a ton of fun. Occasionally it would get rather overheated, but then we would just step outside and cool off in the cold winter air.
So the theme of the dance was dress up for your favorite decade and we decided to do the 80's. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm not a dress up, make-up, hair-do kind of person. I'm pretty boring when it comes to fashion and don't do something new very often. Thankfully Holli, and I love her to death for it, can get me out of my little shell and get me to try new and different things. So with her help, I would have totally fit in with any eighties party. She fixed my hair up and did my make-up and I have to say, it was a lot of fun.
So after dancing like crazy on the train, it was time to make the trip back home. Well, it was like midnight, so we decided that we needed to do something to keep us all awake. And you'll never guess what we decided to do! We sang all the songs to the Phantom of the Opera like at the top of our lungs! It was hilarious! And I have to say, that I was totally blown away when Holli pulled of the entire Phantom of the Opera theme song. She did an awesome job. I kind of died out before the last really HIGH notes, but she totally got them. Andrew and Chance did a great job with the guy parts; I was very impressed.
Hence, for my first blind date, it wasn't as bad as everyone kept saying to could be. There were a couple times when it got pretty awkward or whatever, but I was glad that I went. Holli and Andrew took good care of me when my date would suddenly disappear for a few minutes. We had a lot of laughs and I'm glad that I went with them.

My poor car!

So the other day, I was driving to school in the morning and as I was driving I had a lovely scare. The car in front of me drove over a large sheet of shrapnel that was on the freeway and kicked it up. I swear I thought it was going to come right through my windshield. I was totally pan icing. It wasn't like there was much I could do except brace for it's impact, but luckily it just hit into the front of my car and went underneath instead of continuing it's current course into my windshield. Hence, the front of my car is not so perfect any more. Thanks to the eight foot piece of metal I now have several gouges and scrapes in the front. I was just glad that it didn't kill any of my tires. So hence it was a very interesting drive to school that day and if wasn't already awake and aware ... I was now. Just kidding, I'm a very careful driver, promise!